Nothing beats a bit of laughter when it comes to getting a day started out right, so we have put together a list of all the best funny quotes of the day for you to share. And if you’re looking for short funny sayings of the day for Instagram, we also have you covered.
Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.
Short and Funny Quotes of the Day
“Your Monday is not going to be like Saturday; the emotions are going to be different.” – Jean Grae
“Weekends welcome warriors for social fun that starts on Friday.” — David Chiles
“Come on, come on, turn the radio on, It’s Saturday, and it won’t be long” — Sia
“When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron
“The goal of Sunday is to leave my home as little as possible.” – Mark Morris
“There were many reasons to regard Saturday as the second-best day after Friday.” — R. Phillip Ritter
“There is no point in learning on a Tuesday when on a Thursday it might be completely different.” – Alycia Debnam-Carey
“If they want to learn how to live life right they ought to study me on Saturday night.” — Maya Angelou
“I don’t like Mondays, especially if they occur on Fridays.” – Jarod Kintz
“What about Monday? That could be one day we look at things the same way and wear funny shoes.” – Kevin Dalton
“I’d take half an argument over half a silence any day. And I’d take peace and quiet over a full-blown argument any other day unless it’s Tuesday.” – Will Advise
“It’s bad luck to begin work on Fridays.” ― Southern Mothers
After Tuesday, even the calendar goes W – T – F.
“Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week.” – Joseph Addison
“There isn’t a Monday that would not cede its place to Tuesday.” – Anton Chekhov
“It’s Friday morning mankind! Good vibe, don’t frown and let the monster see you smile!” — Napz Cherub Pellazo
“This must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of Thursdays.” – Douglas Adams
“Today I am doing better than yesterday, and tomorrow I hope to be doing better than I am today. And two days from now? Well, that’s a Monday, so I’ll be feeling shitty.” ― Jarod Kintz
“The days were heavy and sticky. All identical, one the same as the other. Soon they would even get rid of their one remaining distinction, the shell of their names: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday.” – Ismail Kadaré
“Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!” – Dr. Seuss
“Wednesday can only dream of becoming Thursday.” – Anthony T. Hincks
“Life must be terrible for working people, considering they spend every Friday night celebrating a two-day break from it.” — Robert Black
“Time flows in a strange way on Sundays.” – Haruki Murakami
“The only good Monday is a Monday in bed” – Lee Horton
“Fridays are the hardest in some ways: you’re so close to freedom.” — Lauren Oliver
Today is Friday night, which means that the only decision that you should be making is whether to have a bottle or a glass of wine.
“I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.” — Anna Scott
“The next morning dawned bright and sweet, like ribbon candy.“ — Sarah Addison Allen
“It’s 4:58 on Friday afternoon. Do you know where your margarita is?” ― Amy Neftzger
“Thursday is perhaps the worst day of the week. It’s nothing in itself; it just reminds you that the week has been going on too long” – Nicci French
“Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.” – Will Ferrell
“On Wednesday they’re feelin’ fine again, And they’re workin’ like a dog and diggin’ in.” – Johnny Cash
“Like the song says, rainy days and Mondays always get ya down.” – Haruki Murakami
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” – Don Marquis
If Tuesday were a movie, it would be called Monday Part:2.
“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers
It’s not Saturday, it’s Satur-yay!
“Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees, and then kindness.” – Nanea Hoffman
“Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.” – Benjamin Franklin
“If I love you Wednesday, what is that to you? I do not love you Thursday; so much is true.” – Edna St. Vincent Millay
“Sunday just came down like a nine-pound hammer … it was tainted with the closing-in feeling of the loss of freedom. Because after the sun went down, it came back up on Monday morning. And you had to go to work five more days. And it sucked.” – Larry Brown
“What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” – Ralph Marston
“Morning comes whether you set the alarm or not.” – Ursula K. Le Guin
“It’s Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.” – Demetri Martin
It’s a beautiful day, I think I’ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.” – Ella Woodward
“Its always difficult to keep Fridays confined within themselves..they tend to spill over..” ― Parag Tipnis
“Wednesdays are like Mondays in the middle of the week!” – Lee Fox Williams
“Home may be where the heart is but it’s no place to spend Wednesday afternoon.” – Walker Percy
“Addiction – when you can give up something any time, as long as it’s next Tuesday.” – Nikki Sixx
Sunday?! But, I wasn’t done with Saturday yet…
“I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.” – Harold Wilson
“Never give up. Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but the day after tomorrow will be sunshine.” – Jack Ma
“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”- Jarod Kintz
“Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.” – Bil Keane
“You can’t fix stupid.” – Ron White
“Monday is great for becoming too busy to die.” – Roy Station
“I don’t want it good. I want it Tuesday.” – Jack L. Warner
“If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.” – H. G. Wells
“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra
“We’re gonna howl at the moon, shoot out the light, It’s a small town Saturday night” – Hal Ketchum
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.” – George Leedy
“Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each, most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest.” ― D.S. Mixel
It’s only Tuesday? Monday took so long that I thought it was Wednesday!
“Oh! It’s Friday again. Share the love that was missing during the week. In a worthy moment of peace and bliss.” — S. O’Sade
“Why does winter feel like one big Tuesday?” – Todd Stocker
“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” — Stephen Hawking
“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis
“Thinking about happy times on a Tuesday is like going to the beach when there is no sun.” – Alain Bremond-Torrent
“Every dogma has its day.” – Anthony Burgess
“Tuesday is a good day, you survived Monday. And tomorrow is Wednesday, half way through your work week!” – Kate Summers
“Poetry is truth in its Sunday clothes.” – Philibert Joseph Roux
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie
“I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s gray and Wednesday too. Thursday I don’t care about you. It’s Friday I’m in love.” — The Cure
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.” – Steven Wright
If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.” — James Johnson
“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain
“Friday afternoon feels like heaven…” ― El Fuego
“On Wednesday, when the sky is blue, and I have nothing else to do, I sometimes wonder if it’s true that who is what and what is who.” – Winnie the Pooh
“And whether it is Thursday or the day is stormy, With thunder and rain, or the birds attack each other, We have rolled into another dream.” – John Ashbery
“Every morning, I wake up saying, ‘I’m still alive, a miracle.’ And so I keep on pushing.” — Jim Carrey
“Saturday night’s alright for fighting, Get a little action in” — Elton John
Can someone please just give me a participation trophy for making it through today please?
“There are no miracles on Mondays.” – Amy Neftzger
“A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.” – Demetri Martin
“Sunday evenings often feel like the weekend is over before it’s even begun.” – Catherine McCormack
“Oh, my sweet Saturday, I have been waiting for you for six long days.” — Charmaine J. Forde
“You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.” – Abraham Lincoln
An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
“Don’t mess with anybody on a Monday. It’s a bad, bad day.” – Louise Fitzhugh
“I’m easy like Sunday morning.” — Commodores
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep.” – Rumi
“Music always sounds better on Friday.” ― Lou Brutus
I sat quietly with my own thoughts today. Remind me to never do that again.
‘It’s been a long week’ — Me, in the middle of Tuesday.
“Love me like Saturday night, like three glasses of champagne, like the room is spinning, like you’re drunk on my love.” — C.J. Carlyon
“People still act differently on a Saturday night for no reason other than it’s Saturday night.” — Susan Orleans
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Shulz
“Not for nothing is their motto TGIF – ‘Thank God It’s Friday.’ They live for the weekends when they can go do what they want to do.” — Richard Nelson Bolles
I wonder how to turn water into wine. Happy thirsty Thursday.
“It’s finally Friday, I’m free again. I got my motor running for a wild weekend.” — George Jones
“Don’t let a day of the week have so much power over your happiness. Happy Monday!” – Andrea L’Artiste
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn
“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln
“Saturday mornings, I’ve learned, are a great opportunity for kids to sneak into your bed, fall back asleep, and kick you in the face.” — Dan Pearce
“I like my coffee black and my mornings bright.” – Terri Guillemets
“Sundays tend to be a day where just I do nothing but visit people. It’s kind of like trick-or-treating.” – Chuck Palahniuk
“I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.” – H. Kyle Seale
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends – but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.” – Julio Alexi Genao
“Sunday is the day when I prepare for the week ahead by making improbable To-Do lists and browsing Pinterest for ideas on how to decorate my imaginary mansion.” – Nanea Hoffman
Why is Monday so far away from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?
“Everyday is Monday….till Friday.” – Viktor VolksPrater
“What do sharks do on Monday mornings? They get up and start biting. That’s me.” – Gemma Collins
“On Wednesdays we wear pink.” – Mean Girls
“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” – Tina Fey
May your Thursday feel like pancakes and coffee on a Saturday morning.
“Sunday, the day for the language of leisure.” – Elfriede Jelinek
“Waiting for Wednesday.” – Lisa Loeb
“Monday isn’t that bad to be honest, What makes it bad is living in it.” – Day
Saturdays are for adventures, Sundays are for cuddling.
“Monday is for people with a mission.” – Christina Imre
“I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age – which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday.” – Noel Coward
It’s Friday! Time to go make stories for Monday.
“It can’t be Sunday every day. There are also Mondays and Tuesdays.” – George Weah
“I wake up laughing. Yes, I wake up in the morning and there I am just laughing my head off.” – Bruce Willis
“A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James
“My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on tv and eating.” — Alan King
“It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” – Marlene Dietrich
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
“I believe that it is a mandatory Law of the Universe that on Fridays, you have to do something a little fun.” — Hanna Rhoades
“I told myself that I was going to live the rest of my life as if it were Saturday.” — Chip Gaines
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.” – Lisa Mantchev
“…By the time Thursday rolls around, you stay in, and you work, and you don’t go out because it’s horrible.” – El-P
“Every Friday, I like to high five ourselves for getting through another week on little more than caffeine, will power, and inappropriate humour.” — Nanea Hoffman
“Feeling blessed, never stressed. Got that sunshine on my Sunday best.” — Surfaces, “Sunday Best”
“It’s a fine line between Saturday night and Sunday morning.” — Jimmy Buffett
“SUNDAY – The day I planned a lot but did nothing.” – Lovely Goyal
“Without Sunday, I wouldn’t know when to put on the brakes of a hurtling life.” – Byron Pulsifer
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin
“The awfulness of Monday mornings is the world’s greatest common denominator. To the millionaire and the coolie it is the same, because there can be nothing worse.” – Kenneth Fearing
Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams.
“Never regret yesterday. Life is in you today and you make your tomorrow.” – L. Ron Hubbard
“When people refer to ‘Back in the Day,’ it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.” – Dane Cook
“In my life long study of human beings, I have found that no matter how hard they try, they have found no way yet to prevent the arrival of Monday morning. And they do try, of course, but Monday always comes, and all the drones have to scuttle back to their dreary workday lives of meaningless toin and suffering.” – Jeff Lindsay
“I must break the routines and become a person who becomes productive every Monday. I must break the mindset of unhappiness and turn myself into a happy magnet for Mondays.” – Leggy Saul
“Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.” – Will Rogers
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — Winnie The Pooh
It sure is strange that after Tuesday the rest of the week spells WTF.
“Margaritas in the moonlight, Just another American Saturday night.” — Brad Paisley
“You know what Sunday is, and it’s a day with a lot of potential for naps.” – Polly Horvath
“I wish that every day was Saturday and every month was October.” — Charmaine J. Forde
“Candy is natures way of making up for Mondays.” – Rebecca Gober
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White
“It was like trying to break up with the color orange, or Wednesday, or silent e. It was the most passionate and tumultuous relationship I’d ever known.” – Rob Sheffield
“The future starts today, not tomorrow.” – Pope John Paul II
“I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” – Charles M. Schulz
“Sunday! A family day with a touch of weekend thrown in for good measure.” — Anthony T. Hincks
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.” – Garry Moll
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” – Greg Tamblyn
“When a day that you happen to know is Wednesday starts off sounding like Sunday, there is something seriously wrong somewhere.” – John Wyndham
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis
If your Sunday doesn’t involve wine & yoga pants you’re doing it wrong.
“If I could, I’d give up Mondays to have her love again. Actually, forget her love, I’d give up Mondays for free.” – Jarod Kintz
“We’re gonna howl at the moon, shoot out the light, It’s a small town Saturday night” — Hal Ketchum
“Thursday comes and the week’s gone.” – George Herbert
“Tuesday just called and wants to know what happened to Friday!” – Neil Leckman
“The frantic pace of life is only interrupted by the quietness of Sunday.” – Byron Pulsifer
“May your Sunday be full of fun and laughter.” – Kate Summers
“My job is to give people who work hard all week something to enjoy on Saturdays and Wednesdays.” – Arsene Wenger
“Without Saturday, Sunday would just be another day of the week.” — Anthony T. Hincks
“Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana
My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday!
“Sundays are like confetti floating in the air in slow motion, in the evening they reach the ground and you hope a bit of wind could blow on them so they could fly a bit longer.” – Alain Bremond-Torrent
“Life is like Friday on a soap opera. It gives you the illusion that everything is going to wrap up, and then the same old shit starts up on Monday.” – Stephen King
“Tuesday is neither here nor there in the hierarchy of the week.” – Anthony T. Hincks
“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” – Steven Wright
“If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where to return Mondays!” – John Wagner
So that is it for our list of Funny Quotes of the Day. We hope you found the perfect one for you!
For more great ideas, check out our other lists of New Day Quotes, Positive Morning Captions and Good Morning Quotes.
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About the Author
Laynni Deir
I am Laynni Deir, writer and editor of Purely Lists. There are times when you are looking for inspiration or aren’t sure what to say and I am committed to providing lists of the best quotes, sayings, messages, puns or captions for any occasion. Whether you are looking for a positive quote, a message for a card, a fun saying for a letter board or caption for your next post or story, you will find the perfect option here.
The goal of Purely Lists is to provide a comprehensive and diverse set of lists to cover every situation from holidays and celebrations to uplifting quotes and general motivation. Whether you are looking for something deep and profound, funny and foolish or positive and encouraging, we strive to offer easy, fast and accessible options.