Nothing makes a person feel better than a good chuckle, which is why we have put together a list of all the best funny sayings for you to share. And if you’re looking for short funny sayings for Instagram, we also have you covered.
Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.
Funny Sayings
It’s Raining Cats and Dogs Out There
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Think nothing is impossible? Try slamming a revolving door.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.
A broad smile is a cooler way of showing your enemies that you have teeth.
I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” — Marc Maron
I’m not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.
Halloween dress code requirements: whatever will get me most candy.
All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of potato chips.
I put the ‘pro’ in ‘procrastinate.’
Smile like a monkey with a new banana.
If Plan A doesn’t work, we have 25 more letters to try.
Don’t drink while driving – you might spill the beer.
I get plenty of exercise just pushing my luck.
I’m cooler than the other side of the pillow.
I’m really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.
He Thinks the Sun Comes Up Just to Hear Him Crow
Experience is a comb which nature gives us when we are bald.
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have waiting staff.
Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.
Pretty As a Peach
Do not let your mind wander too much. It is too small for you to let it out alone.
I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
Any of us has the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they leave it.
I’m So Full I’m About to Pop
Never ask a starfish for directions.
Math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles.
Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
Be aware of the idiot, for he is like an old dress. Every time you patch it, the wind will tear it back again.
As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.
Life is like a bowl of soup and I’m a fork.
I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.
“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.” — Thomas Sowell
Hold Your Horses
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
The perfect man doesn’t swear, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t drink. He also doesn’t exist.
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers
‘Til the Cows Come Home
The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.
If you dig a hole for someone else, you’ll fall into it.
He who laughs last is a bit of a slow thinker.
According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.
“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” — Zach Galifianakis
Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
I don’t give a ship!
Friday, my second favorite F word.
My brain has too many tabs open.
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
A balanced diet is a cupcake in each hand.
It might look like I’m doing nothing. But, in my head, I’m quite busy.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.
If the broom fits, fly it!
“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” — John Wayne
Chocolate doesn’t ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.
Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.
My bed is a magical place I suddenly remember everything I had to do.
“I hate mornings, they start so early.” – Janet Evanovich
I’m not ignoring the alarm clock, I’m waiting to see who breaks first.
There are people who are living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.
You will never plough a field if you only turn it over in your mind.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” — Earl Wilson
How many times must I flush before you finally go away?
I’m never wrong. I’m just different levels of right.
She Was Madder Than a Wet Hen
I’m not lazy. I’m relaxed.
Six feet of earth make all men equal.
Whenever I’m bored, I go to my favorite place: The fridge.
I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.
Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then it’s suspicious.
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” — Emo Philips
Dynamite comes in small packages.
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” — Katharine Hepburn
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” — Dave Barry
“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” — John Barrymore
Wine + dinner = winner
Dear math exercise book, kindly grow up finally and solve your own problems!
In the immortal words of Taylor Swift, I’m going to shake you off.
A good mood is like a balloon: one prick is all it takes to ruin it.
“Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.” — Emo Philips
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” — Erma Bombeck
“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.” — Gilbert Gottfried
Finally, spring is here! I’m so thrilled I wet my plants.
A father is a banker provided by nature.
BYOW: Bring your own whine.
I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.
Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That doesn’t change after I’ve had that coffee, but it feels much better.
Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are hell for your reputation.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.
“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” — Will Rogers
Too Big for His Britches
Pot Calling the Kettle Black
Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.
I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.
“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” — Robert Bloch
“I drink to make other people more interesting.” — Ernest Hemingway
They say don’t try this at home… so I went to my friend’s home!
Come over to the dark side…we’ve got candy.
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
Oh wait. I just remembered. You’re boring and my legs work.
Going to bed early. Not going to a party. Not leaving my house. My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.
I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven’t offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” — Dylan Thomas
Don’t you wish they made a clap-on-clap-off device for some people’s mouths?
Don’t vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones at the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” — Alexander Woollcott
Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.
I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.
“Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.” — Ozzy Ozbourne
“I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.” — BIll Murray
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Your bank account can always be overdrawn. It’ll never be overfilled.
An idea is only stupid if it doesn’t work.
Wow, who crapped in your cornflakes?
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin
They say money doesn’t bring you happiness. Still, it is better to verify things for yourself.
There’s no we in fries.
I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy, but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” — Gertrude Stein
Dental-Chair Revelation: Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.
The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second checkout lane.
My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg
I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.
If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the refrigerator?
I like to be an optimist. It pisses people off.
“A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.” — Marty Allen
Smile! It makes people wonder what you are up to.
Wealth is like hair in the nose: it hurts to be separated whether from a little or from a lot.
The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.
We can’t all be princesses. Someone has to wave when I roll by.
Fly Off the Handle
Never judge a book by its movie.
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” — Ellen DeGeneres
To lengthen your life, shorten your meals.
There are days when you just want to envelop everybody with light and warmth… preferably through the use of a flamethrower.
I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.
The only scenario where you really need a landline today is when you’re trying to find your cell phone.
They say: Do what you love and the money will come to you. Just ordered pizza, now I am waiting…
I am an example to others. A bad example.
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet got involved.
I’m never late. The others are just too early!
Be a cupcake in a world of muffins.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
The road to success is always under construction.
“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” — Arthur C. Clarke
No one tests the depth of a river with both feet.
No one notices how hard you work until you stop working.
My mom said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” — Caroline Rhea
Sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to come.
Hard work pays off in the future. Lounging on the couch pays off right now.
If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
When people tell me that I’ll regret something in the morning, I just sleep until noon. I’m a problem solver.
They say the best things take time. That’s why I’m late.
Anger can be an expensive luxury.
It’s alright if we don’t agree. I can’t force you to be right.
Remember: Don’t insult the alligator until you cross the river.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” — Erma Bombeck
I didn’t fall down. I did attack the floor, though.
The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.
I don’t care what people think of me. Mosquitos find me attractive!
Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.
I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” — Casey Stengel
I speak fluent ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.
“I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” — Michael Scott
Today I laughed until my abs were tired, so I skipped the gym.
Barking up the Wrong Tree
Television is a medium – anything well done is rare.
They say crime doesn’t pay. So does my current job make me a criminal?
A lie travels round the world while truth is putting her boots on.
I don’t need anger management. I need you to stop making me angry.
Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards.
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” — George Carlin
Luck is the idol of the idle.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey
As Funny As All Get Out
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion.
A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.
The leading source of computer problems is computer solutions.
Hissy Fit
I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.
The shortest horror story: Monday.
In a closed mouth, flies do not enter.
So that is it for our list of Funny Sayings. We hope you found the perfect one for you!
For more great ideas, check out our other lists of Grinch Sayings and Merry Christmas Sayings.
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About the Author
Laynni Deir
I am Laynni Deir, writer and editor of Purely Lists. There are times when you are looking for inspiration or aren’t sure what to say and I am committed to providing lists of the best quotes, sayings, messages, puns or captions for any occasion. Whether you are looking for a positive quote, a message for a card, a fun saying for a letter board or caption for your next post or story, you will find the perfect option here.
The goal of Purely Lists is to provide a comprehensive and diverse set of lists to cover every situation from holidays and celebrations to uplifting quotes and general motivation. Whether you are looking for something deep and profound, funny and foolish or positive and encouraging, we strive to offer easy, fast and accessible options.